Wednesday, September 10, 2008

KIDNAP!!(compo 2)-Draft 2

Hiya everybody!This would be my 2nd compo abt kidnap hope ya all like it!!

Whenever I look at a a jogger,I will always recall the hoirrible incident which happened to me five years ago...

"Ding Dong..."Rang the school bell.I pack my books into my schoolbag followed by greeting my teacher and left the class.It was a scorching hot day.Many pupils from the morning sesion was happily eating ice-cream when I saw them eat I drooled and pick up my space so that i can feel the nice air-conditioning room of mine.Out of the corner of my eye,i saw a black Mitsubushi car stopped at the road beside me.A woman wearing a black coat said that my parents are going to die because of an accident and they needed me to be there .I did not hesitate the moment as curiosity got the better of me when I hear the news.

"Come on hop into the car they are at hospital now,"said the woman.I did as she told with tears rolling down my rosy cheeks not thinking that anything would happen to me.What would happen if my parents die?How would I continue my life?More thoughts ran through my mind as we we were driving through the buildings hoping against hope that my parents would survived the accident."Hey wait a minute,"I said confusely,"the hospital is to the right not the left.."Before I could complete my sentence,the woman stopped the car and what I saw was an old dilapitated house.The woman pulled me out and suddenly a sharp intense pain pirced through my neck and my last thread of conciousness slip by me.

When I awoke,I found myself in a musty room and tied up with a cloth in my mouth on a chairbut I could hear an evil laugh and followed by a sentence.. "Bring...five million...your duaghter...never seen...kill her.."I could not make out the sentence but I knew my kidnapper were going to ask for a ransom to exchange for my life!Suddenly the kidnapper came in with three tough guys drinking a glass of beer."Make sure the girl does not escape as her rich father who fired me without giving me a chace to explain back then when my duaghter was sick.Now he is going to pay for what he had done,"said the woman in the black coat."Alright Nina,"choresed the men as the threw the glassses on the ground and walked out with a snarl on their faces.

A thought lited in my brain.I began rocking my chair trying to get a piece of glass.My effort was fruitle for the first two rounds but three times the charm.I began rocking my chair harder till I fell it hurt alot but I managed to get a piece of glass.I started rubbing the galss on the ropes but no avail I tried again if I were to change terrible fate.Snap!The rope break.I got myself free and took out the cloth and as silently as a mouse i sneak out the room.-My "Body gaurds" were sleeping but were awoken as I stepped on a crack on the ground soon I was hot on my heels without looking back to run no matter what as my life is precious to me.

Suddenly,roars or motorcycles could be heard not very far away I knew that my nappers had awoken when I stepped on the crack back at the house.I ran as fast as lighting hoping that I would not get caught by my captors that had fooled me into following them.My nappers were close to me armed with guns I knew that I had no chances of surviving but lucky for me,lady luck was shining on me.There was a nearby jogger and saw me being chased by my captors.The jogger whipped up his phone from his pocket and dialled the police and ran to help me by shielding me using his body.Not long after,the police officers arrived and caught the kidnappers and brought the jogger to the hospital as he was bleeding proufusely when he was shot by the kidnappers.The police brought me home and told my parents what had happened.

A few days later I learned from my mother and the police that the nappers were after me because my father of firing them because they always took leaves and if they went they went to work,they were always not punctual and it all happened when I was born.The police also said that the jogger who shielded me died from an overflow of blood.

"Rin,a penny for your thoughts?"asked my mother."Erm...I was just thinking about the kidnap that happened to me."I replied remembering the horrible inccident.

4 comments:

tsooc said...

Dear Amabel,

This is very well done. Better than the last one. Sequencing of events is excellent. Good! You can also hint about what happen to you in the introduction instead of telling us so that we don't know the story until we finish reading the composition. A few questions also popped up in my mind as I read the story:
a) Why did the men want to kidnap you? no mention that your father was rich or famous, etc.
b) How would you feel when you hear that your parents are going to die? Would you feel curious?
c) I love the third paragraph where you slow down the story by telling me what the author was thinking.
d) Finally, why was the author chuckling at the end of the story after recalling such an ordeal?

w->XiN_yE said...

ER.. this compo is gd but a few mistakes,
like,
1)wrong spellings(find out yourself)
2)A kidnapper obviously kidnapped you but you still need to add the word kidnapped but its like repeating two words in a sentence so i suggest you put napped or other synonyms
3) Why are you curious but not worried once you heard the news but only later
4)Why did you smile in the end?
5)Maybe you can write more like maybe the kidnapper chased you and maybe another character died in the story so you can end with a nice ending, lol.:)

C.C.huanying:D said...

This compo is good. I am curious to find out why they want a ransome. Even though he is rich doesnt mean he will kidnap you.
Are they taking revenge?
I will always reacall the face of a kidnapper that kidnapped me about five years ago...
Its recall not reacall.
And.... Why would a school bell sound like bring....?
Many pupils from the morning seesion was happily eating ice-cream when I saw them eat I drooled and pick up my space so that i can feel the nice air-conditioning room of mine.
seesion? What word is this suppose to be? What do you mean by pick up your space?
"Bring...your duaghter...never seen...kill her.."
It is daughter not duaghter
"Make sure the girl does not escape her rich father is going to give a handsome ransome,"
Edited:"Make sure the girl does not escape as her rich father is going to give a handsome ransome,"
U did not say u were on a rocking chair.

YHLin said...

amabel, ERM, quite gd, but can improve. generally is okay. btw, ur blog's nice